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matrix reloaded blew my nuts stone cold. May 28, 2003

Posted by eatnorthamerica in farcical review bullshit, things that are not quite things we know.

matrix reloaded blew my nuts stone cold. Those of you who have seen it will probably agree with me, those of you who don’t, I’m not going to bother arguing with. I don’t particularly care to hear how much it rocked because overuse of the freezeframe effect is totally bodacious, dude.

Those of you yet to see it, do whatever you want, but I fell asleep three times only to be awoken by my friend grumbling about how Neo was doing the stupid Superman Jesus flying thing again, or how he was stupidly NOT doing the stupid Super Manjesus flying thing, or how he was just generally being Super Man, Jesus (it does have a decent highway scene though).

I was bored on the train home, so I wrote a long spiel on how shattered I was about my beautiful hero Neo (who is defined by his remarkable character growth: normal Neo (£4.99), trenchcoat Neo (£7.99), SUPERMAN JESUS NEO (already kleptoed off shelves)) being so horridly degraded by this travesty of cinema.

Then I wept a single, shining tear onto the cold obsidian of my trenchcoat. It shone in the moonlight, like a sparkling diamond.


anyway, I lost the spiel somewhere in the disgrace that is my room, oh no. Let’s just say that when the architect emerged I felt a momentary compulsion to hurl eggs at the screen. Then I realised chickens would never forgive me for soiling their carefully-produced produce with bits of horrid matrix goo.

then I went back to sleep.

(incidentally chicken eggs come out tan over here, and seeing real white-shelled eggs freaks me out. what the hell do you north americans do to your feathered friends?)

OH YES. Speaking of which, they’re making a movie of the comic Hellblazer, which features one of the most solidly English blokes on the planet, John Constantine. You look at me, I look at you and we say “Oi, mate, who’s the obvious choice for this role, then?”

and Hollywood looks back at us and says… “Like duh, he’s totally bodacious … DUDE.”

So Hellblazer is renamed Constantine for the pansies of the world and Keanu mangles yet another English character to high shit with no returns. Sadly, I probably won’t be able to repress my curiosity enough to boycott seeing it, though damn it all to hell, if I see another 10 minute sweaty rave scene i’m fleeing the building. My Semtex will be staying.


I liked Constantine. Damnit.



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