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farcical review bullshit, Animal Crossing DS (yes, bungled). April 20, 2006

Posted by eatnorthamerica in farcical review bullshit.

When you break the space-time paradigm, your town gets overrun by weeds and all your animals hate you because you haven’t written them vapid love letters for the past six months.

I need to return my colleague’s DS, the one he lent me specifically so I could experience the lifestyle of small, ugly, fat-headed creatures that resemble not a single animal I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Ha! I can’t return it yet, because!

thanks to my adventures through DS space-time (well, how else was I meant to experience white christmas in the middle of April?), his town is infested with weeds. Hundreds of filthy WEEDS.

I wouldn’t mind, but

…every time I feel the urge to go on a dandelion rampage, I remember why I still have his DS sitting around at home, totally neglected.

Animal Crossing takes… time. Remember Super Mario 2? You could play as Princess Toadstool. That babe, she could fly. She flew so good, I picked her all the time, because I was the worst jumper in the world. That was her special thing, flying. She failed at everything else, and especially at picking up stuff. Oh god, every time she bent down to uproot some innocent pupaturnip, she had a hernia, I swear. It was excruciating. I know it was excruciating for her because it was for me, watching her strain at that turnip for hours (child time: approx. five seconds to an hour. Then my brother would play the next go with that speedy Toad jerk-off and I’d feel exactly the same way I feel about those unconscionable dandyweeds in Animal Crossing: Wild World.

If I could be Toad in this game, I’d weed till the cow things came home. But I’m not Toad. I’m Princess. And I don’t even get to fly.



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